United States, NATO, European Union: A Letter to the People of Ukraine

We extend our cordial greetings to you amidst the backdrop of your triumph over the initial wave of conflict. Your acts of heroism have not gone unnoticed, for they serve to elevate our own, not yours, sense of importance. It is with great delight that we announce our forthcoming visit to Kyiv, where we will only capture commemorative photographs. A suitable locale would be a street adorned with shelters, and we kindly request that you do not overlook the necessity of donning your bulletproof vests. While we pledge both diplomatic and military support, it is imperative that we understand that these promises are fleeting and trifling, devoid of the maturity and sagacity befitting adults.

By: A. Mahdavi



Dear people of Ukraine,

Alas, we find ourselves confronted with many quandaries. Foremost among these challenges is our capacity to focus on only one matter at a time, for our attention span wanes with disconcerting rapidity. We shall soon be preoccupied with weightier affairs, such as the war in the Middle East or the containment of China. Regrettably, we cannot afford the luxury of sustained concentration on any single issue, as it would engender ennui, rendering our endeavors futile and devoid of self-interest.



Moreover, our calendar imposes significant constraints on our attentiveness, as electoral proceedings assume paramount importance. During these periods, we find ourselves unable to devote excessive contemplation to your plight. Furthermore, the festive season of Christmas demands a complete absence of woeful tidings, thus impeding our ability to attend to the gloomy reports emanating from your nation.



It behooves the people of Ukraine to recognize that the foundation of our narrative lies not in the annals of history but rather in the realm of Hollywood. It is the victors whom we exalt and venerate. We impart upon you the notion that you possess the potential to emerge victorious, for it is far simpler to peddle the concept of war to our citizens when brainwashed by tales of your victory over the Kremlin.



Yet, your setbacks present an arduous challenge in terms of explanation. Therefore, we beseech you to expeditiously devise optimistic stories that satisfy our demands, lest we cast blame upon you.



By now, it should have become painfully apparent that our ability to assist you to the extent we profess is inadequate. Indeed, we harbor no desire to place ourselves in a precarious situation vis-à-vis Russia. To mitigate even the slightest possibility of hostilities with our eastern neighbor, we dispatch equipment that is either dilapidated or necessitates repair before it can be rendered operational.



Furthermore, these military provisions are ill-suited to your defense infrastructure, making them totally ineffective. However, we shall trumpet our assistance and proudly declare ourselves as your staunch supporters.



Should you harbor any special requests, please be advised that we shall promptly dismiss them as excessive and unappreciative. Furthermore, should you discharge an excessive number of bullets, we shall attribute the dearth of ammunition to your inability to wield the tools we have provided with due competence.



If a weapon succumbs to wear and tear on the battlefield, it is likely due to your lack of attentiveness during training, thereby rendering you culpable, dear people of Ukraine.



Though our economy dwarfs that of Russia, this alone fails to furnish a compelling reason for us to expend copious amounts of funds to secure your victory over Russia. While we ostensibly impose sanctions on Moscow and refrain from procuring their wares, we cannot wholly ignore the allure of more affordable energy alternatives that arise as a consequence of said sanctions. Nevertheless, the global economic climate fails to align with our idealistic expectations. Our own interests invariably take precedence, followed by our domestic plans, economic growth, and national security. Only then, if no exigencies arise, may we deign to bestow thought upon your plight. It is incumbent upon you to recognize that the primary concern of the US Congress lies not in bolstering the standing of the Biden administration but rather in engaging in deals with lobbying groups that serve to sustain your budget. We, in essence, utilize your tribulations as a vehicle to further our own agendas and objectives.



Rest assured, gallant people of Ukraine, that we hold a dual standard with regard to your affairs. We extol the virtues of media freedom, democracy, and the fight against corruption. However, we implore you not to heed our exhortations, for we shall unleash upon you torrents of criticism should you dare to utter a word of ingratitude. Ultimately, it is incumbent upon us to acknowledge that as long as your predicament fails to inflict significant political or economic costs upon us, we shall remain by your side. Naturally, this partnership signifies that your triumphs shall be deemed valid in our eyes, while your failures shall be attributed solely to your inefficiency. Should you find yourselves in Berlin, London, Washington, or Brussels, do kindly notify us so that we may partake in a leisurely stroll together and capture a memento of our companionship.